Day 181

It's the middle of the night, and I'm sitting at home alone, trying to make sense of all the thoughts that are running through my head.

It seems apt to make a return to blogging at the mid-point of the year, as the last six months have been a whirlwind of study, work, and rehearsals. There have been fleeting moments of blog inspiration, but I haven't been able to devote the time to writing inane nothings until now.

For anyone who hasn't paid any attention to anything I've posted on social media for the last few months, I've just finished up being part of a production of Green Day's American Idiot (the Queensland community theatre premiere too, which was pretty fucking amazing). A nerve-wracking audition and three months of rehearsals culminated in one weekend of four shows, that left me bruised and physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Don't get me wrong, it's been a banger of a ride and I've loved nearly every minute of the process, but content-wise, it's been the heaviest show that I've done to date (the story heavily centres around finding one's identity and place in the world, with themes of love, loss, and drug abuse), and when doing a show like this, it can be easy to carry the on-stage emotions around, even after the stage lights have blacked out for the final time. The show wrapped up a week ago, and even though I've gotten past the post-show blues, I now feel a bit lost and hopeless. All I can do right now is take solace in knowing I had the privilege of sharing the journey with a phenomenal group of performers and a wonderful production team, all of whom have been supportive, loving and fun.

🖤 what a bunch of idiots™️ 🖤

Theatre hasn't been the only thing occupying the first half of 2019. Equipped with a desire to change careers, and a sense of dread for my financial future, this year I made the (at times questionable) decision to return to university to study teaching. The experience so far has been challenging and exhausting, yet somewhat validating, as I've ensconced myself back into student life. It's been a few years since I've studied and it's been hard to adjust my work/study/life balance, and as a result, my current GPA is about as low as my iron levels.

In amidst the never ending stream of academic literature; the choreography and music running on loop in my mind, and the legion of external curveballs, I feel like I've lost touch with myself. I haven't eaten properly in a very long time, I don't exercise anymore, I'm at a weight that I deem unacceptable, and even though I'm rarely alone, I feel so lonely.

Now that both American Idiot and uni have wrapped up, I feel like I'm in a state of inertia, suspended in nothingness, waiting for something to happen. While there is some comfort in this cocoon of apathy, I recognise it gets me nowhere, and will only make me feel worse in the longterm. I don't want pity, and I also don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful -- I feel very blessed and privileged to have the freedom to be able to do what I do -- I'm just someone who finds it cathartic to write down their thoughts and feelings and put them out to an invisible audience.

Although I've just spent ~500 words gushing about problems, I also have thought about how to address them. My temporary solution to all of my concerns and anxieties surrounding uni is to study part-time next semester, which will free up time so I can focus more on getting back into better eating, and a more active lifestyle (prepare yourself for an influx of pole pics, since I'll be devoting more time to dancing). I probably won't do another musical this year, so I'll be able to work more and ideally get closer to achieving my current financial goals, and I hope all these little positive steps will have a domino effect and lead to bigger and greater changes.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this tangle of thoughts. Hopefully in six months time I will be able to write a blog in a more positive light, detailing some personal gains and optimism.

#musicaltheatre #pannicproductions #Brisbane